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Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject: two women
Two ladies died and were in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd
you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After
I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died
a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart
attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act.. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was
another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive. _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: Tragedy
GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:27 am Post subject: Ha
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Mary, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Mary did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Mary for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Mary quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!' _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
> A petrol station in the country was trying to increase its sales, so
> the owner put up a sign saying, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon a local
> pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner
> told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he
> would get his free sex.
>
>
> The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'you were close. The
> number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'
>
> A week later, the same bloke comes along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled
> in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
> gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
> The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it
> was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
>
> As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, 'I think that
> game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
>
> Blue replied, 'No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged
>
>
>
>
>
>
> My Missus won twice last week.' _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?" _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?
"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop
and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said........
"Your house." _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:04 am Post subject: Man and Wife
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS.. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said, "Well, DUH, it has to be at least 8 characters long." _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender:
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate..
4. The woman sitting right next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:
hell no ... Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times." _________________ There is nothing in life that cannot be improved with either monkeys, pirates or ninjas NPU Member
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen. _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
Posted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 10:26 pm Post subject: jack daneils christmas cake
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey.
Sample the Jack to check quality. Take a large bowl,
Check the Jack again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
In a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the whiskey is still ok, try another
Cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and manf in the cup
Of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
It loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Jack to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
A sheet. Check the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
Find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
Over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Dack Janiel's and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
_________________ The sun cannot set,
Because you are not here,
To see it,
The day cannot end,
It can't be right,
That night will come,
Without you.
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