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This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 9:00 am Post subject: Give this man a job
Resimay
To hoom it mae
cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I
can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I
think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a
job thru my persinalety.
My salerery
is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I
am werth,
I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse
fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so
farr.
Sinseerly,
TOM nikname Beefy
PS :
Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Dear Beefy-I mean
TOM,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you
Monday. _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Oi flapjack, when did you grab that picture of me?
You mean you didnt see me at your gym? I managed to get a few shots before being chucked out! LOL. _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
is it just me, or does that dude look like half of that terrible duo from a while back who sang "bridge over troubled waters", who were both previously in that equally awful TV show about soldiers?
Robson Green or something like that maybe? _________________ Bring on the snow, for I feel the need to ride.....
is it just me, or does that dude look like half of that terrible duo from a while back who sang "bridge over troubled waters", who were both previously in that equally awful TV show about soldiers?
Robson Green or something like that maybe?
you mean Brad Pitt, looks like robsom jerome? _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
is it just me, or does that dude look like half of that terrible duo from a while back who sang "bridge over troubled waters", who were both previously in that equally awful TV show about soldiers?
Robson Green or something like that maybe?
you mean Brad Pitt, looks like robsom jerome?
He can call himself whatever he wants. He started work here last Monday! LOL. _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ............
'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of fact
...'I think the man would have said -'Well, f * ck me!! A talking pig!' _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:54 pm Post subject: Re: THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
flapjack wrote:
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ............
'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of fact
...'I think the man would have said -'Well, f * ck me!! A talking pig!'
_________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side laying in wait with a radar gun.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked:
'Runway too short?'
To which I replied, 'I'm late for work.'
To which he asked, 'What do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then
with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.'
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, 'And just what do you do with a six-foot ahole?'
To which I politely replied, 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless. _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: Heaven or Hell?
A Human Resources Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. 'Before you get settled in' he said, 'We have a little problem...you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you.'
'Oh, I see,' said the woman, 'Can't you just let me in?' 'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter, 'But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell And a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity.' 'Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven', said the woman. 'Sorry, we have Rules...' at which St Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends... Past fellow Executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil (who was actually Rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.Peter was waiting for her.
'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing... Which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St. Peter returned.’ So,' he said, 'You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven'. 'You must choose between the two.'
The woman thought for a second and replied, 'Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell'. 'I choose hell.'
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stuttered the HR Manager, Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled,’ Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.'.......... _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Brilliant! I'm presently reading a book on the problems of modern society and how businesses need to change if the present social alienation is to change. The author says at one point, imagine walking in to a theatre to watch a play and afterwards complimenting the management on the talented human resources in the play. _________________
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!' _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: He said to me
some great stuff on here makes me smile when I go through them
-------------------------------------------------------
He Said to Me...
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: you cannot fool children
A man was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned toward her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
The little 8 year-old girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the man, 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a
question first.
A Horse, a Cow, a Deer and a Rabbit, all eat grass, the same stuff! Yet the Deer excretes big pellets, the Rabbit small ones, while the Cow turns out a flat patty and the Horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
'The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, good question. I have no
idea!'
'Well,' the little girl responded, opening her book again, 'Do you really
feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?' _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship,
one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to
spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise
their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following
week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,
'Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office
wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I
slipped out ofit and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings
and stiletto heels. He was so turned on that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty
much my story! When my fiancée got home last Friday, he found m e waiting
for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto
pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants
to move up our wedding date!'
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I
did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black
s tockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black
mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''. _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points towards
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles
off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O. K. In that case, I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10 AM every
day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.'
_________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
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