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Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 5:09 pm Post subject: A little light hearted relief
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
The pics are not mine, but have been put forward for the Man of the Year Award
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
Process all the mails that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God
with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about.
The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterdaysomeone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque..
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you
please help me?
Sincerely,
"Maggie"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Maggie and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those
bar stewards at the Post Office.
No comment. _________________ The sun cannot set,
Because you are not here,
To see it,
The day cannot end,
It can't be right,
That night will come,
Without you.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave,who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, " It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Dave?"
Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 4:45 pm Post subject: Why men don't write to Agony Aunts
Dear Abbey,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
Ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
Know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why
as I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject
with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? _________________
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
a man went to a zoo
there was only one dog there it was a shitzu! _________________ "i was looking back to see if you were looking back at me, to see me looking back at you"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
Takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
Blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
Call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on
A towel eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
Him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
By the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm out of here!" _________________
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into a Tesco in
Newcastle, with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the
younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, ya t**t?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
One of my favourite cartoon characters. One of many...
See more at Clicky _________________ The sun cannot set,
Because you are not here,
To see it,
The day cannot end,
It can't be right,
That night will come,
Without you.
Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:20 pm Post subject: 'Sign of the times'
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:01 pm Post subject: The mayonaisse jar and 2 cups of coffee
Ms Berry, nice on that note
The mayonaisse jar and 2 cups of coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2
cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began , he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded t o fill it with golf
balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that
it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends
and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
It was a balmy summer evening two men were sat on a roof enjoying a smoke and putting the world to rights.
A stranger wanders up and starts to chat, they invite him to join them. After a short while the stranger asks what they are smoking.
The first man says, "ahh, its a special tobacco, it makes you fly."
"Give over, nothing can do that." says the stranger.
"No, its true" says the second man.
"Prove it"
The first man takes a huge drag, and lets out a cloud of smoke. Stands and walks slowly towards the edge of the building. Stands on the edge, spreads his arms, and leaps in to the air.
He falls, faster and faster, and just before he's about to hit the floor, he swoops like a bird and lands on his feet. And walks slowly back to the roof.
"Wow" when the man returns, "how did you do that?" says the stranger.
"I told you, its this special tobacco."
"It's a fluke, I don't believe you, do it again."
So the man walks to the edge, spreads his arms and jumps. And again, just before he hits the floor, he swoops and lands on his feet. And walks slowly back to the roof.
"I gotta try that!" says the stranger.
They pass him the smoke and let him have a good few puffs. Then he gets up, walks to the edge, spreads his arms and jumps into the air.
He plumets towards the ground. And...SPLAT.
The second man looks at the first,
"You know, Gabriel, for an Angel, your a bar steward!" _________________ The sun cannot set,
Because you are not here,
To see it,
The day cannot end,
It can't be right,
That night will come,
Without you.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'' _________________ Live life to the full - your a long time dead.
Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 2:53 pm Post subject: dementia test
THE ANNUAL DEMENTIA TEST - scroll slowly
See how many you can get correctly ( ... without cheating)~ !
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these?
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
i only got the one about cows drinking water wrong! i think if someone had of read them to me i would have got um all wrong!!! nice one hil26 _________________ "i was looking back to see if you were looking back at me, to see me looking back at you"
Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 9:36 am Post subject: The Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The
bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to
stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she
replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place
it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter."
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